i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
