I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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