u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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