I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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