So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
