This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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