Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
