she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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