butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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