people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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