So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
