Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
