Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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