Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
