I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
