Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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