How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
