It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
