Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
