And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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