jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
