just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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