Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
