No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
