Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
