Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
