I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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