I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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