ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
