I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
