I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
