Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
