so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
