I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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