Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
