I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
