Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
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