so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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