I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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