Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
