My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
