I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
