im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
