If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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