I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
