He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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