Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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