You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
