dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
