Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
