is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
