dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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