shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
